A promise
by Spearlike Mage
Summary: Jane is contemplating the things she did to Maura in their relationship. It's been two years and she still can't forgive herself. See trigger warning inside. This story won't leave you feeling good and won't give you a cathartic ending.


This is beyond angsty. So this is a warning. If you are not in the mood to feel bad turn away.

Trigger warning: The story contains domestic abuse, self-injury, attempted suicide and attempted rape.

I want to thank nicolaruth27 for always being such a good beta. Non of my stories would be as good without her guidance.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

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It's been two years since you left me. My life fell apart the instant you walked away.

I have punished myself over and over again for the pain I caused you. It wasn't your fault, it was all mine, and my fucked up way of dealing with things.

I felt intimidated and scared that someone like you wanted me, that you wanted me for _me. _I didn't feel good enough for you and, in the end, I wasn't.

I guess my life was falling apart even before you left me. I wish I could say that it was my job that was the reason. That all the grim things I had seen made me into this person, but that would be an excuse. I needed help. I still do but I can't bring myself to ask for it.

I wish you would forgive me. I wish you would forget what a fool I was. I wish you would let me love you as I did, as I should.

Numerous times you told me to just stop and think; to see you, to know you loved and adored me. I let my insecurities get the better of me. I let them shape our entire relationship. The jealousy was the worst of everything I brought upon our relationship. It consumed me and, eventually, it consumed you too.

"_Go back to Ian if that is what you want!" Jane threw one of Maura's expensive vases at the wall, shattering it into small pieces. Just the way she did with Maura's heart._

"_Jane, please. I don't want Ian. I want __**you**__, only you. Can't you see that?" Maura walked up to Jane and clutched the front of Jane's shirt only to get pushed away._

_Jane started to pace back and forth in the living room, like a stalking predator._

_Maura knew it would only take one wrong word or action and the brunette would react with the fearsome anger she held within her. "I can't bear the thought of losing you." Maura pleaded softly with tears in her eyes. She felt so weak when Jane got this way. It was happening more and more often. _

_Jane sneered at her, "You are such a liar, Maura. I thought you couldn't lie, but you have manipulated me from the start." Jane was almost shaking with anger now._

_Maura took a step back and she could see the hurt in Jane's eyes when she did._

"_Are you afraid of me?" Jane shortened the distance between them, invading Maura's personal space. "Is that why you talked to him, to get away from me because you are afraid?!" Jane spat in her face._

_Maura raised her hands defensively in front of her chest, protection against Jane's increasingly aggressive stance. "No, that's not it. He contacted me and I asked him not to do it again." She wanted to have contact with Ian as a friend; she really missed him as a person. But she knew that Jane wouldn't approve and it would only make her angrier. She chose not to talk to him anymore to please Jane, to prevent her from lashing out._

_Jane grabbed a hold of Maura's hands, yanking them away from her body._

_Maura looked down on the floor between them. She couldn't stand the look in Jane's eyes, the hatred that was directed at her._

"_Look at me when I talk to you! I know your social skills are poor, but you know you should look at the person you are talking to." Jane almost hissed, just inches from her face. _

_Maura pulled her gaze up and looked Jane right in the eyes. She was almost defiant but the tears spilled over. "Jane, please." Her voice was a whisper._

_Jane's features changed immediately at the tone of her voice. Once again she looked like her Jane. _

_Jane took a step back, releasing Maura's hands. "I'm so sorry, Maura." She turned her back. She didn't want Maura to see how ashamed she felt. Her voice wavered as she started to walk towards the door. "I-I need some time alone to think. I'm going for a walk."_

_Just before she was about to shut the door behind her she called out at Maura. "You know I would never really hurt you."_

_That was an empty promise and Maura knew it, even if she desperately wanted to believe it. She had never kept it before. This was yet another time Jane would just fire up over something and nothing. Thankfully, it ended in a relatively good way, with Jane walking out. _

I always felt remorse after I did something to you. I would kick myself and beg for your forgiveness and you would give it to me. Because you loved me when I wasn't like that.

It didn't stop me from hurting myself. I blamed myself for everything, sinking deeper and deeper into the mess I had made for myself.

You tried your best to help me. You tried so hard. You talked to me, tried to convince me to get help. That we couldn't be like this anymore; that if I just got help everything would be okay. When I refused you threatened to tell my family about my problem and that only made me beg you yet again for forgiveness.

I did my best to assure you I could do it on my own. All I needed was your love and care.

I think you should have told them. I think you should have reported me. I deserve the shame and everyone's eyes on me. Why didn't you?

"_Jane, open up!" Maura yelled at the closed bathroom door. She only got a choked __**no**__ for an answer._

_Jane had locked herself up in the bathroom over an hour ago and Maura was getting really worried about what she might do in there._

"_Please, or I'm going to force the door open. I don't want you to be alone." Jane's sobbing increased, which had tears stinging her own eyes._

"_No, don't come in." Jane said between deep breaths. She was trying so hard to keep the emotions from bubbling up. "I'm just garbage. You should find someone else."_

_Maura rested a hand on the door and leaned her forehead against it. "I don't want anyone but you. You are the only one for me." _

_Silent tears stained her cheeks when she remembered how proud and strong Jane always had been. She was a great detective and a great woman but now she was weak and childlike. She wanted Jane to feel better, to feel like her old self again. She wanted __**her**__ Jane back, she just didn't know how. This had been going on for so long already and she was out of ideas. _

_She could hear rummaging from inside. Jane was opening and closing drawers and she feared the worst. Maura rushed to get a screwdriver to open the door. _

_Jane tried to fight against the door being pushed from the outside, but Maura managed to get a foot inside and once she did Jane gave up, letting the door swing open._

_Jane sat on the toilet seat and looked down on her hands in her lap. Her entire frame was shaking from her sobs. _

_Maura bent down in front of her. "Look at me, sweetie." She tried to reach for Jane's hands but the older woman flinched away and brought them up to her face to wipe her tears._

_When Jane was done she looked with red brimmed eyes at Maura._

_New tears were forming in Maura's eyes when she saw the red and angry marks on Jane's neck, her beautiful neck. "No, no, no…Oh, Jane." She tilted Jane's head to get a better look. Her entire neck was covered with scratches she had caused herself. It looked painful and she was bleeding. "We need to clean this." _

_Maura reached for the drawer where they kept the medical supplies and got a bottle of antiseptic and a ball of cotton wool. She drenched the cotton in the liquid. "This is going to sting." She once again tilted Jane's head and started to dab the angry marks._

_Jane winced at the pain but didn't pull away._

_Jane looked so lost and small when Maura finished cleaning her wounds that Maura wrapped her in her arms and kissed the top of her head. "Don't hurt yourself like that again. Promise me that, Jane." She could feel Jane nod against her chest._

Did you pity me?

God, I can never forgive myself for what I have done to you. How could I? I'm a monster. A thief. Scum. I deserve to feel this way.

The hurt look in your eyes when I laid my hand on you is overshadowed by the blood curdling scream you released when you found me with a plastic bag over my head. I was almost out of oxygen and I was starting to lose the feeling in my limbs, but I could still hear you scream and plead as my vision blackened.

That is the worst pain I ever caused you. Thankfully, you were there in time to save me.

What if you had found my dead body instead? That thought always make my stomach turn and want to expel its contents. I'm so sorry, Maura. I'm so sorry I tried to leave you.

Thinking about when it was good between us hurts the most. We could have been great for each other. When we still laughed and talked like we always had. All those sweet moments between us I ruined, when my mood would change like hitting a switch.

_They woke up almost simultaneously._

_A small smile graced Jane's lips when Maura snuggled closer and placed her head on her shoulder to give Jane a kiss on the neck. "Slept well?" Jane asked with her husky morning voice._

"_Mmm-hmm, I dreamt about you." Maura continued to kiss her neck._

"_Oh? So what was your dream about?" Jane turned her neck to give Maura better access to her throat._

"_I dreamt you took me for a car ride and we drove for hours. When we arrived at our destination you lifted the car and made it into a shelter and we spent the night there." She could feel Jane's laughter as vibrations against her lips._

"_Haha, I lifted the car?" Jane flipped them over so she was now above Maura and looked down on her with a smile. "Did we by any chance do something like this that night?" Jane asked as she ground her hips against Maura._

_Maura grabbed a hold of Jane's shoulder and met Jane's next thrust. "Mmm, yes, Jane."_

_Jane smirked and bent down to kiss her way from Maura's jaw down to her chest. Her mouth engulfed a hard nipple and Maura gasped, tangling a hand in Jane's unruly curls to hold her closer to her chest._

_Jane moved her hands down Maura's body to her thighs and gave them an affectionate squeeze. "This is my favorite part of you. I just love your thighs."_

_Maura moaned in return and spread her legs wide, allowing Jane to settle in between comfortably. _

_Jane kissed her as she started to gyrate against Maura's center. She slipped her tongue in to her mouth and swallowed Maura's moans when she hit the right spot. _

_Maura was getting impatient. She placed her hands on Jane's cheeks forcing her to look at her. She could see how turned on Jane was. Her cheeks were flushed and her pupils dilated, consuming most of her irises. _

_Maura bit her lip giving Jane a coy smile. "Maybe you could go and get our toy from the closet?"_

_Jane's face immediately darkened. "Am I not good enough for you?! Is it cock you want?" Jane brought a hand down between them and forcefully cupped Maura between her legs, pushing down hard where she knew Maura's clit would be._

_Maura cried out in pain._

"_You want a big hard cock between your legs, don't you?" Jane wheezed in her ear._

_Maura couldn't respond, the pain was too great._

_Jane yelled loud still close to her ear. "Answer me!" When Maura didn't give a response Jane slapped her across the cheek, like she had done numerous times before. She pushed Maura's body hard against the mattress as she got up. "I'm going to show you." _

_Jane walked into their closet, anger fueling her steps. She rummaged through the drawer in which they kept their toys. When she couldn't immediately find what she was looking for she would toss things out and throw them into the room. _

_When she finally found it she returned to the bedroom, her grip tight around the strap-on, but the bed was empty. Maura had left._

That was it for you. You left without ever looking back. I had long ago stopped being your girlfriend and become your aggressor. I am not holding it against you, leaving me, it was the right thing to do.

I couldn't change back then, even though I wanted to. At that moment my emotions controlled me. A little voice in my head was telling me to stop but I didn't listen. I couldn't.

I was about to rape you. Enough time has passed now for me to admit that. I was about to rape you and I would surely have regretted it afterwards, but my abuse of you might have continued anyway.

I will never change. I will just continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. If I'm not hurting you, I'll be hurting someone else. This is a dark hole I can't get out off, a void. I can't live without you and I can't live with what I have done to you, but I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. It feels like I'm doomed, like some curse pulls me deeper every passing day. I'm a lost cause and you had to suffer for it when all you needed was my love and nothing more, I know that now.

You didn't need me to protect you. You didn't need me to own you. The only thing I have left to give you is a promise I know I **can** keep: I'll love you until the day I die, Maura Isles.

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I know it's hard to read about your favorite character doing bad things so please don't hate me for it.

I feel a little raw after writing this, since not everything is fiction. Your reviews will mean the world to me. Thank you in advance.

I thank you all for reading my story. If you feel the need to read something silly after this my story "Snow capers" was just updated and the last chapter will be up in a day or two.


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